Originally appeared on E! Online
Allison Holker better understood her husband after his death.
The 36-year-old recently opened up about how looking into her husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss' belongings and journal entries following his suicide in December 2022 helped her gain better insight into how much he had been suffering — including how deep his dependence on drugs really was after she discovered a “cornucopia” of drugs in his closet just days before he’d be laid to rest.
"I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral," Holker told People in an interview published Jan. 7, noting she found mushrooms, pills and other drugs she didn’t recognize without the help of the internet. "It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about].”
READ: Allison Holker Shares How Her Family Keeps Stephen “tWitch” Boss Close 2 Years After His Death
She continued, "It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that."
Entertainment News
Holker also shared that throughout her nine years married to Boss — with whom she shared kids Weslie, 16, Maddox, 8, and Zaia, 5 — the pair had been open about his marijuana use, which he would smoke in their guest house after the kids went to bed. It is also where he would drink, she said, noting, “That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was OK.”
But it was only after she began digging into her husband’s secrets that she realized how much he’d been keeping to himself, including allusions in his journals that he’d been sexually abused by a male figure in his childhood.
"He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn't want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much," Holker said of her late husband. "He didn't want other people to take on his pain."
And while she admitted experiencing feelings of betrayal, her perspective ultimately shifted.
"Reading Stephen's journals, and even going back into the books he had read and the things that he was highlighting and lining, really gave me a better perspective of where he was in life and the type of things he was struggling with," she explained. "It did have me feel a lot of empathy towards him and sadness for all the pain that he was holding."
Holker also leaned on loved ones at this time, who helped her work through her discoveries and feelings.
"It was really hard to put all the pieces together,” she admitted. “Through certain discussions, even with friends and things that have been said, reading through his journals ... you realize he went through a lot as a child and never faced it.”
She added, “It's hard to think that he never opened up to someone and wanted to face it, to get through on the other side. I really hope people dealing with the same thing will help themselves out of the shadows and [know] you're going to be OK."
It’s that desire to help others that also encouraged the dancer to write her memoir "This Far," which publishes Feb. 4.
"I've been so fortunate to have resources that have helped me that I've now teamed up with," she explained. "I've learned there's so many other resources that a lot of people don't know about. I've had so many people reach out to me needing to talk, and if I've learned anything, I've learned that mental health can impact anyone at any time of their life.”
She added, “People that have a lot of light, they still have gone through a lot of dark. And that's OK because you can't have one without the other."
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. You can also visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional support.
