‘She doesn't stop talking': How extroverts unknowingly irritate fellow travelers

My husband — a brooding New Yorker, polite and tolerant of much — broke on the seventh day of our family vacation.

“She doesn't stop talking,” he said.

The "she" is my mother — a bubbly Midwesterner — who can hold court in a room of strangers with the deftness of a small-town politician at a church picnic. Awkward silences don't stand a chance — even in a jam-packed elevator.

But some people like silence. They thrive on it, said John Hackston, head of thought leadership at The Myers-Briggs Company.

That's one of many areas that can pose problems for travel companions on opposite ends of the introversion-extroversion spectrum, he said. Be it spouses, best friends or acquaintances, travelers enduring long stretches of time together often struggle to find a middle ground.

More than a decade of introversion advocacy — jumpstarted by the publication of Susan Cain’s “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking” — has helped many introverts accept and publicly champion what makes them tick.

But the same level of reflection hasn’t happened with extroverts, said Hackston.

“There's been less of an emphasis on extroverts understanding of selves,” said Hackston, because “Western society, in particular, tends to see extroversion as the right way to do things.”

As a result, many remain in the dark as to how they can affect those around them.  

Missed cues

When it comes to vacations, personality-based problems can start at the planning stage, said Hackston.

Since extroverts tend to get energy from the outside world, many are attracted to certain types of vacations, like cruises or traveling with friends to an island with vibrant nightlife, he said.  

The problem, said Hackston, is that extroverts often assume others think and feel as they do. This can manifest in everything from too much small talk at breakfast to packing too many plans — and too little downtime — into a vacation schedule.

“They might want to keep on going and keep on partying when other people don't want to,” he said, which in turn can lead to introverts feeling that they should join.

The result is a “spiral of dysfunction," he said.

Misplaced assumptions can also cause extroverts to miss social cues, such as hints dropped by a not-so-chatty airplane seatmate.

Conversely, extroverts also are known to misread introverts’ slower response times as either lack of interest in a conversation, or an invitation to talk more.

“You talk to introverts, you get this pause. They have to go inside and think about what the answer is before it comes out again,” said Hackston. “Whereas extroverts, it tends to come straight back.”

Failing to realize this, extroverts often continue talking, repeating their questions and speaking louder to move the conversation forward, without knowing that introverts never had a chance to respond, he said.

Cultural layers

Some cultures are perceived as being more outgoing, which can further complicate interactions while traveling, said Hackston.

“In the United States, there's generally the assumption that if you talk to somebody, they're going to talk back. That's not the case in all cultures. It's not really the case in the United Kingdom … it's even less the case in cultures like, perhaps, Japan.”

Though he cautioned against stereotypes, he noted that southern Italians are viewed as being more extroverted, while Northern Europeans, especially some Scandinavian countries, are thought to be more introverted.

Travelers may have difficulty differentiating personality traits among foreigners, but “Finns would recognize Finnish extroverts,” he said, even if “to you, they’ll all look like introverts.”

Developing self-awareness

Hackston recommends that travelers and their families take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator assessment to understand each other better.   

“It opens people's eyes to the fact that — this is always a really stupid thing to say, but it's true — people are different and are coming from a different place,” he said.

“It's that recognition that if your spouse, or partner, or your family members are looking to do ... things a different way you are, they're not doing it to annoy you," he said. "They're doing it because that's genuinely where they are coming from.”

The Myers-Brigg Type Indicator also examines other aspects of people’s personalities. For example, the "judging" and "perceiving" framework evaluates how organized people prefer to be, said Hackston.

A "judging" extrovert will prefer a day full of organized plans, while a "perceiving" extrovert will want an action-packed day that happens spontaneously — a difference which can lead to big disagreements on holiday, he said.

“So it's not just extroverts compared to introverts. Sometimes it's extroverts together," he said.

Travelers like these could learn to structure future trips with set plans punctuated by gaps of free time.

“It starts with realizing who you are, realizing who they are, and working out a way you can work together,” he said.

Family travel blogger Emma Morrell said she's managed to avoid many of the personality pitfalls that spoil others' trips by being careful about who she travels with.

"You do have to know yourself, and the people that you're traveling with," she said.

"I have some very good friends who I love dearly, but we would never go away with," she said. "Just because you're good friends, it doesn't mean that you'll be good travelers."