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What ‘good parents' who raise confident, well-adjusted kids always do, from an Ivy League-trained child psychologist: ‘That's No. 1'

Child psychologist Becky Kennedy, host of the parenting podcast “Good Inside.”
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Child psychologist Becky Kennedy, host of the parenting podcast “Good Inside.”

There's no such thing as a perfect mom or dad — but most "good parents" embrace two specific mindsets to raise confident, well-adjusted kids, says child psychologist Becky Kennedy.

First, they focus on their own personal growth as a parent, just as much as they focus on their kids' growth, Kennedy said on a podcast episode of "The Tim Ferris Show" that aired last month: "I think that's No. 1."

Second, they avoid judging their children unnecessarily. "I think a good parent really activates curiosity over judgment in a situation with their kids," said Kennedy, who has a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and hosts the "Good Inside" parenting podcast.

Leading with curiosity helps parents avoid making snap judgments about their kids and doubting their own parenting, said Kennedy, a mother of three children herself.

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If your young child keeps getting in trouble for hitting classmates during recess, even if you've taught them not to hit others, it's easy to assume a worst-case scenario: Your kid is "bad," and you've failed as a parent. But the truth is likely much less severe, Kennedy said. Maybe something's been bothering them, causing them to uncharacteristically act out with violence.

If you take a more inquisitive approach, you're more likely to understand what's behind your child's behavior so you can address the root cause. "'I wonder why my kid is hitting [classmates]?' As soon as you use the word 'wonder,' you're unable to judge, because you're thinking and conjuring up this bigger picture," said Kennedy.

Your willingness to do that, rather than rushing to critical judgment, helps build and maintain strong, trusting parent-child relationships — without letting your kid off the hook for acting out, Kennedy added. "A good parent can put into action the idea that really being the sturdiest leader for your kid involves equal parts very firm boundaries and parental authority as it does warm, validating connection," she said.

As for the personal growth aspect of Kennedy's parenting philosophy, being open-minded enough to reflect on your own behavior, motivations and expectations as a parent can be difficult. But it's a necessary part of learning how to view yourself and your child as separate people, so you can give them the support they need to become a confident adult, child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It last year.

"It's a really key part of raising children: Can we see them for who they are, accept them for who they are?" said Klein. "It's really core to helping a child become a decent human being, one who can handle themselves and have confidence in themselves."

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